Chrislip College Journal

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Dean Declares That Free Speech Is More Like Accordions Than We Think

"After much deliberation, we've decided it's in the best interest of the students, the faculty, and indeed the whole of Chrislip College, to can Robert Spaniel.

"What began as a minor scandal quickly became a rowdy-dow, and was on the verge of turning into a brouhaha. Hopefully, giving Bob his walking papers will put an end to it.

"The Board of Regents is... or are... (long pause), The Board of Regents am responsible for providing students with teachers who are good role models. They have to make sure one bad apple doesn't spoil the whole barrel of monkeys. It's clear that Bob Spaniel was the bad apple in this case, when he was tossed into the barrel of monkeys, of which we are proud to claim Odell Watts as one of them.

"Some people say that Bob has lost his freedom of speech. But let me say this: Freedom of speech is like an accordion. They have a lot in common. Both produce sweet music when played properly. Both have the capacity to either please or offend. And both resemble a large concertina. In other words, it's a good thing to have. That doesn't mean you should practice it within earshot of others.

"I must admit that I don't understand why what Bob did is so terrible. But then, I'm from a different generation. We didn't have computers and cable TV. We didn't have lubricated condoms and men landing on the moon. We didn't have all these wonderful Ronco products. And people were different back then, too. We took things in stride. We believed in living and letting living."

[A reporter interrupted and asked where Dean Marner got the information that lubricated condoms are landing on the moon. The dean replied that this was news to him, but that he would look into the matter further.]

"In closing, let me say that we wish Robert Spaniel well, even though he is a pretty bad fellow. We're sure he'll find another math-teaching job somewhere else where nobody knows him, and that in no time at all those students will be able to count as high as ours can."