Chrislip College Journal

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Letters From Fictional People To Fictional People

Dear Editor,

Thank you for Dr. Max Trask's article on schizophrenia in the last issue of the Journal ("Schizophrenia: Mental Sickness or Psychological Illness?", Fall, 2005). As a former patient of Dr. Trask, I can truthfully say that he is a miracle worker when it comes to restoring emotional well-being. You're to be commended for giving this gifted man a forum.

Chuck Starr
Saginaw, Michigan

Has Max Trask's work appeared in any of the nationwide medical journals?

Kathy Brown
Chrislip

Dear Kathy: To date, the only medical journal that has accepted Dr. Max's work is the somewhat obscure "Haiku Psychiatrist." (Example: "The manic-depressive forgot his lithium,/O look!/How quickly he paints his porch!") But it seems that the psychological community at large is not yet ready for clinical observation in the form of Japanese poems. -Editor.

Max Trask is a quack who couldn't cure hiccups. Did you know that hiccups is a secret language used by the esophagus to communicate with the larynx? Also, my neighbors are androids, and houseflies were sent by the devil to give me headaches.

King Chuck Starr IV
Emperor of all Saginaw

Dear Your Majesty: You sound like a confused person in need of counselling. Please contact Dr. Trask c\o The Journal. -Editor.

What can you tell me about that guy Buddy Fenster who writes for your mag? Is he going with anyone? I think he's a foxy dude who'd make a great boyfriend.

Melissa Cooley
Houghton Lake, Michigan

Dear Melissa: You sound like a confused person in need of counselling. Please contact Dr. Trask c\o The Journal. -Editor.

The firing of Robert Spaniel was correct, both politically and morally.

We've all seen the video a hundred times, frame by ugly frame.

We saw Odell Watts, a black African-American gentleman of color, as he slipped on the floor and plunged into his mashed potatoes.

We saw the face of Robert Spaniel rising in the background like a white death's-head mask, a smile of perverted amusement twisting his lips.

We heard his staccato outburst of laughter; a series of six distinct "ha-ha's."

We heard his tasteless comment: "Eat 'em, don't breathe 'em!"

That video reminds me of another video - the one in which the heroic figure of Rodney King cringed as he was clubbed by white America. And let's be honest, the hands of all European-descended Americans were holding those billy clubs that night.

I am not going to apologize for being a white man. I did that in the last issue. But like all thinking people everywhere, regardless of race, I feel shamed by the actions of a "man" like Robert Spaniel.

And what were his actions? Simply put, he laughed at a black man. This is unacceptable behavior. There is nothing funny about black people. I and some like-minded friends recently attended a comedy club downstate. While there, we refused to laugh at the black comedians. We knew their humor was born of the white foot of oppression on their necks, and our laughter would have shown that we didn't take these comics seriously. So we sat there in a stone-silent show of solidarity.

Some might say that seeing someone, anyone, fall into a plate of mashed potatoes is "funny." But I have to question the true source of Spaniel's amusement. Considering the color of mashed potatoes, it's very likely that Spaniel saw the symbolism. He was laughing at the image of a black man falling on his face in the white world.

And what of his comment, "Eat 'em, don't breathe 'em!"? The word "breathe" is synonymous with the words "inhale" and "snort." Was Spaniel perhaps comparing the plate of mashed potatoes to a mound of cocaine, and insinuating that Mr. Watts was prone to indulge in drugs because of his color?

Or was he suggesting that Mr. Watts, with the wide, flaring nostrils of his race, was as likely to inhale his vegetables as eat them?

And what of the mashed potatoes themselves?

Police artist's sketch of the potato in question before it was mashed

Potatoes are a racist vegetable. Examine one closely and you'll see a metaphor of our society. The exterior, brown and honorable, most often ends up on the trash heap. The interior, lily-white, is prized as the most valuable part of the vegetable.

It was no accident that Dan Quayle - that walking ventriloquist's dummy who can't tell sitcoms from real life - spelled potato with an "e" at the end. It wasn't a mistake, but rather a subtle way of reminding America that he expects the "po ta toe" (poor to toe) the line. In his upper middle-class Republican (read: Fascist) mind, poor and black mean the same thing.

America got wise and flushed the Quayle. Now our school has gunny-sacked the Spaniel. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Maybe we're one step closer to living in a free country; one in which people aren't punished for the color of their skin, but for their ideas.

Professor Mick Williams
Chrislip College

I just want to say what a pleasure it was to be associated with the Miss Chrislip Teen Pageant. I assisted two of the girls - Heather Mercer and Maureen Griffith - with their wardrobes and make-up. I think it was an exhilarating experience for all three of us. Most of the pageant organizers are men, but sometimes these young ladies can benefit from a woman's touch. They were an absolute joy to be with. I hope the organizers keep me in mind for next year's pageant!

Kevyn Moncrief
Chrislip.

I worked for the Journal back in the fifties. In those days it was an honest-to-God magazine, not some fancy-schmancy deal that lights up on a computer screen and reads itself to you in a soulless, disembodied voice.

The Journal has gone downhill. But that's to be expected. The thrust of the matter is that the magazine is now in the hands of a generation caught in the pop culture hell of television sitcoms and MTV.

If you have an intelligent rebuttal to the point I've raised, I'm willing to listen.

Arnold Wade
Chrislip.

Huh-huh. You said "thrust." Huh-huh-huh. That was cool. -Ed.

My friend and I have a bet going. I say the letters in your magazine come from real people, and he says you just make them up. Which is it? There's five dollars riding on this.

All of a sudden I've got a real bad feeling about this. After all, this is a made-up letter, so I suppose the other ones are too. Guess I'm gonna be out five bucks.

Kevin Burgoine
Harbor Springs